The Onion Essay

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"Well, there's a reason they put that right at the top.""BOULDER, CO–Shock and disbelief were the prevailing reactions Monday, when pizza-delivery guy Lyle Kelso, 24, reported to roommates that at around 2 or 3 a.m., he personally witnessed, like, five or six dudes suddenly jump out of freakin' nowhere and just start totally whaling on this one guy."According to the report, sections of the documents — "almost invariably the most crucial passages" — are marred by an indelible black ink that renders the lines impossible to read, due to a top-secret highlighting policy that began at the agency's inception in 1947."According to the findings, seven out of 10 Americans could have landed their dream job last month if they had known where they see themselves in five years, and the number of unemployed could be reduced from 14.6 million to 5 million if everyone simply greeted potential employers with firmer handshakes, maintained eye contact, and stopped fiddling with their hair and face so much.""I knew that if I just prayed hard enough, God would hear me," said the joyful Timmy, surrounded by stuffed animals sent by well-wishing Christians from around the globe, as he sat in the wheelchair to which he will be confined for the rest of his life. I haven't been this happy since before the accident, when I could walk and play with the other children like a normal boy.""Music, a mode of creative expression consisting of sound and silence expressed through time, was given a 6.8 out of 10 rating in an review published Monday on Pitchfork Media, a well-known music-criticism website.

Why, Jolly Old Saint Nick hasn't seen a Yule log this lit in ages!

"' I was really hoping to meet some ladies at Dragon Con for a little of the old horizontal bop,' said Melcher, who has been unwillingly celibate for the last 17 months.

"Unlike my predecessor, I am fully committed to putting soldiers in battle situations.

Otherwise, what is the point of even having a military?


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